What is death but a traversing of eternities and a crossing of cosmic oceans? - Robert E. Howard
Dear Mom in heaven,
One year ago today, we got the news that you have passed on and you left behind only your memories. Not a day goes by that we don’t reflect on you. Every morning that I wake up, I am reminded of you not being around. I can’t pick up the phone and call you and hear your heartfelt laughter. Neither can I have hour-long discussions with you whenever my mind is giving me a difficult time. I remember clearly I always called you and asked you to help me decide the menu for entertaining guests at home as your recipes were simple yet delicious. And you knew me mom, how lazy I was to whip up these elaborate meals. You always told us that whatever you do, if it is done with a lot of love, people are going to cherish it forever.
Exactly a month ago from your death, we got the news of your cancer diagnosis. Each and every doctor that we consulted told us what we didn’t want to hear. Doctors can be saviors but they also act like this mirror at times, which shows you the most hideous of scars. Your unwillingness to undergo treatment took a toll on everyone around you as we wanted to see you getting better and not succumb to this disease. You always knew that it’s time for you to pack your bags and start your eternal journey to heaven.
“No one is immortal my child, and I am no different”, you said a few days before your death. The day dad was searching for the best doctors to treat your incurable kind of disease, was the day we realized how serious this had become. Tears welled up in our eyes and the whole family was hiding their pain in front of you but were broken inside. We were looking for places to hide and cry, shying away from each other, but we knew it well.
The day had finally arrived when you were being taken for the surgery never to come back alive. You succumbed to it with a smile on your face for everyone to see. The spiritual melodies that we sang with you and the stories we shared before you were taken away is a beautiful memory etched in our hearts forever. Goodbyes are never easy mom, but you didn’t make it seem like one. You were happy, as you knew you are going home; your real home where god is waiting to welcome you with his arms wide open.
Now that you are there, you must be making everyone happy with your beautiful anecdotes and the immense love that you carried within you.
Our loss is heaven’s gain. How did you disappear mom, like you never existed? If death is the ultimate reality of our lives, why can’t we simply live in the moment, as tomorrow is never promised? You lived each day of your life thinking about others, of ways to make others happy and cheerful. You were our safe harbor, our hiding place, and the place where all our problems were taken care of; you were home for us mom. You were the binding force so strong, that never did we see a dull day with you around. Your spiritual guidance all through out your phenomenal life was like a balm on our wounds. I don’t remember a single soul not being enchanted by your presence. Your aura was like this electromagnet that kept pulling all mortal beings towards you. You were different mom and you made us feel different too. I hope that all your qualities have been multiplied in the heavenly plane and you have much more to offer, beyond our imagination.
I remember hugging you so tight one day, like that would stop you from going away from us; like that would stop the cancerous cells from multiplying; like that would make time stand still and normalize things like before. The thumping heartbeat and the blood rushing through your veins symbolized hope for us. There was a certain kind of comfort in the sound of your heart beating. I didn’t say it that day, but it was the best moment of my life; to be able to be so close to life itself mom.
A few days after your death, Anahita, who loved you so deeply, asked me if you had come back after visiting god. Her ever-curious eyes were looking for answers; that no one could offer. For a brief moment, I thought, how I wish that was even remotely possible. Unfortunately, I had to tell her that once people visit god, they are gone for good. You know mom, in all of this, what is the most agonizing thing that I need to come to terms with everyday? The fact that your grandchildren won’t know you like the way we experienced your divine presence. They will not experience life in its most innocent and joyful state, like you would have offered. One of the links with their cultural heritage and family history is lost. The moral support and the unconditional love and affection, that you could have provided is gone with you, mom. But I try. I try to narrate stories of my childhood, always demonstrate how you cooked a specific dish or what you would say if I was acting naughty.
Even today, whenever I cook a dish that you made a certain way, I have tears in my eyes, as I can’t make it like you mom. No matter how hard I try.
I am writing this to you, to tell how much you were loved, and how we have been coping with your loss. I have tried to collect a few lines from people who loved you so dearly and miss you every single day.
“I was looking forward to retire after my 75th Birthday but I guess I will postpone it a little more, as I have yet to figure out to live without you. Words can’t describe how I felt for you. I don’t really discuss your loss with anyone often as I feel it just pains me to think that you are not with us anymore. To the wind beneath my wings, I hope you are making others in heaven fly. I miss you”.
‘’Mom, you were the most vibrant and cheerful person one could ever meet. The amazing glow on your face told the entire story of your heart. You were immersed in god’s love and poured forth all that love for friend and foe alike. Who would have thought, that the one who mesmerized others with her angelic qualities would become an angel herself so soon. Your readiness for the flight was so graceful; who knew the icon of the art of living would teach us the art of dying. Mom, the queen of hearts would live in us forever”.
“We are forever indebted to you dearest mom. Not a day went by that we didn’t come to you for your priceless advice. A dynamic person like you could instill life in even the dullest of conversations. We always had your back mom, in thick and thin. The unparalleled depth of our relationship is going to be cherished forever. It has been a difficult year but we are trying. The void that has been left behind is too deep to be filled”.
“Nani, you were funny, sweet and loving. You were always positive through everything and you were a great spiritual role model. You used to tell me stories of your childhood and teach me about the soul’s worth. I remember you telling me the importance of meditation while we both sat on the bed and listened to Indian songs on the TV. When I was younger, you helped me tidy my room and I even remember locking you in there just because I didn’t want to clean it. Sorry for that Nani. You have inspired us to always look on the positive side no matter what. You were one of the kindest people I had ever met and I strive to be like you one day”.
Mom, they don’t sell postage stamps for heaven and even if they did, I would have sent this to you, no matter how long it took. This is a ritual I would like to follow every year, because I clearly remember that day, the day when you lightly showed your eagerness for me to write blogs and pour my heart out. I am doing it today mom, as I deem this day fit to gift you something that you always wanted.
Love in abundance,
Your daughter
